As most of you know, my mama was sick her entire life. Even her “best days” consisted of oxygen tanks, doctor’s consultations and medication. On one of her not-so good days, we were in the grocery store and a local lady came up to ask her how she was doing. We had just gotten word that she would have to undergo a small procedure in the upcoming days and were actually preparing for her hospital stay, making sure my sister and I had enough food and all. But when the sweet lady asked mama how she was doing, she looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I’m fine. We’re all doing good.”
After we left the store, I had to confront my mama about lying to the sweet lady. “Why did you tell her you were fine when you clearly aren’t?” What she told me stayed with me for the rest of my life. “She doesn’t wanna hear my problems. Most people don’t really care that much. They’re just being polite. The one’s that really care don’t have to ask how I’m doing.”
I realized that she was probably right. Most people don’t really care about others outside their circle. I carried that with me and began to live my life with that one specific line in the back of my head from that moment on; ‘Most people don’t really care that much.’ Unfortunately, now I see that this was wrong. This was an injustice to myself, as I built a wall around my heart; and I passed that ill advice on to my own children. I can see the walls they’ve built around themselves now and it tears me apart to see what I’ve done to them.
For years and years, I prided myself on the fact that I had 2 REAL friends and my Aunt Tammy in my life and that was all I needed. I actually bragged about it. It wasn’t until one of those REAL friends, Eden, died suddenly and shook my world that my outlook changed. After she died, I was completely lost. I was angry with God for taking one of the few sources of joy that I had in my life away from me. I was the most lonely I had ever been. I was 4 hours away from the other two people I counted on; and I was the saddest I had ever been in my life.
For months I went through life on “auto-pilot” mode; just doing what I had to get through the day; and I would cry myself to sleep. It wasn’t until one day when a girl I worked with forced her way through that wall that I had built so long ago, that life began to change for me. Kristy Scobee had worked with me for a long time. We talked every day at work, and she knew I was struggling. She could see the hurt in my eyes and reached out to help. She told me that I needed to do something fun and get my mind off things. She suggested I hang out with a friend. “I had a friend and she died,” was my reply. But she wouldn’t give up.
“Let other people be your friend. Let me be your friend. Lets go do something,” she urged. We went to Roller Derby and our friendship blossomed instantly. I became more open and willing to give pieces of my heart away. The little crack in my wall she broke through grew wider and wider. Now I consider Kristy and Laura May (my other co-worker at that time) two of my most special friends. Years later, I feel confident enough in their sincere love for me to call on them whenever I need to.
Let other people be your friend. Let me be your friend. Kristy probably doesn’t even remember that conversation. But it was profound advice for me. I understood why my mother didn’t let people in. She was sick. She was dying. Building a wall around her heart was a survival mechanism. She couldn’t take the strain of allowing someone to get close and get hurt. It worked for her. And when the children and I were in such a toxic environment, it worked for us too. Don’t let people in, they will only let you down because most people don’t really care. That was how we lived our lives.
Once I opened my heart to the world, things changed drastically for me. I found that when you approach people (even perfect strangers on the street) with openness and genuine love, they too tend to break down their own walls. It’s a beautiful thing to have an intimate and honest conversation with a complete stranger.
I love my mama with all my heart. She taught me strength and dignity in the face of the storms life brings. But she was wrong that day at the grocery store. And for years after that, I was wrong and I robbed my children of alot of love. Now, I think most people do care. Most people are good and genuinely care about others. The problem is just those damn walls we’ve all built to protect our hearts from being broken. If we could learn to let some of those walls down just a little; and let others try to be our friend; maybe there wouldn’t be so much anger in the world today. Maybe we could learn from one another, hear each others’ pain, and help heal just like Kristy and Laura helped me years ago.
Will your heart get broken? Will people still disappoint you? Of course they will. My hearts been broken and disappointed many times since I let my wall down. People are still human. Life is still hard. People will make mistakes. They will hurt you. Life will bring you sorrow. But by approaching life with love and offering forgiveness to those that seek it, I’ve learned that I can heal a lot quicker and build new relationships in the process. One of my favorite lines from Steel Magnolias is this, “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” The same goes for an open heart. That little love is so much better than a lifetime of building walls.
Someone recently told me he “has more hate than love”. His walls are high and his heart is still mending. Years of living his life with the mentality that most people don’t really care has helped him survive life; but it has hardened his heart to the point that he is in the exact situation I was years ago. Every night I pray to God to heal his heart and help him let others love him. There are people out there that love him, if he will just let them. But it will take a lot of prayers and forgiveness for those walls to come back down.
Living in Belzoni, Mississippi, you can always count on a couple things to happen at any kind of gathering (whether it be a formal party or just Sunday lunch at Papas aka The Varsity: 1)Pat Pearson is going to have the latest gossip at all times (even about you sometimes), 2) There’s a good chance BJ Hawkins will break into song no matter where you are and 3)Brookie Duett will probably show up with his suspenders on. Today, the town of Belzoni had to say goodbye to Brookie. No function around here will ever be the same. As I was sitting there in the crowded funeral home, squeezing in with people of every race and social status, I saw how beautiful it is when people break those walls down. Love was in every heart for just a short time to honor the man who’s suspenders had become a town landmark.
As I go to sleep tonight, I will pray for that little boy’s heart that has more hate than love. And I will pray that Jennifer, Savell and Dewayne will pull down their walls just a little and let people love them- because I genuinely feel that most people do care. You’ve just gotta let them.
In honor of my sweet friend Jennifer- who refuses to let me do her laundry because she tries to be so strong and stoic (but accepts my cookies) I am including my easy peanut butter cookie recipe that I know at least puts a few cracks in the walls built around the Duett’s. Keep them in your prayers. Let your walls down. Approach one another with love. And find that most of this world does truly care.
Peanut Butter Cookies:
- 1 cup smooth peanut butter
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 egg
- Mix, spoon and heat at 350 degrees for about 6 minutes (until they are barely brown on the bottom and still soft)
Lessons Learned From The Rainbow 